III: Where The "Right One" Is

Here is the third and final installment to this particular tri-series in The Relationship Survivalist Kit.

In the first post, Reality Check identified destructive relationship patterns, where the givers haphazardly find their hearts in the hands of The Takers. The second post, Scissors steps in to suggest a way to avoid having the wrong kind of people enter your life and what to do about it. 

... So if you know how to avoid the wrong people, how about meeting the right people? It's focused on a more simple concept than you think. 

Choices

Before we get into this, you need to know something very important. It is this:

There is no right ONE for you. 

The truth is, there are thousands of people on this planet that are actually perfect for you, and that number shifts every time you or other people change something about yourself whether that's a physical change, mental change, a spiritual change.

What makes you think there is a "right one" is because you have had the feeling of selecting someone and dedicating your heart to one person at a point in time, and they became the right one in your heart and mind. 

If you've ever had that, "they are the only one for me" feeling, it highlights an interesting point of view that is rarely ever revealed: if that feeling came when you chose "the one" back then, it should make sense that... 

When it comes to dedicating your heart to anyone, you always get to choose.

You just have to direct the choice of your heart in the right place.

And when you do choose people in your life, you essentially give 4 things:

• Time

• Energy

• Attention and 

• Communication.

There are many subtle forms of time, energy, attention, and communication that you can give, but knowing what you want ensures that you don't spend more than a dime of energy on people that are not worth your TEAC, and keeps you focused more on who is.

Love has very much to do with the choices you make, but the fact that love is a choice also makes it a problem. The problem is that if love is a choice, then that means people have to be responsible for who they choose, and responsibility isn't something people aren't always willing to bear. 

It's easier to believe that love has nothing to do with you, when in fact, it has everything to do with you. 

At one point in time, we all imagined love to be this power that would sweep us and our lover off our feet in an everlasting cascade of bliss, without us choosing our partner for good and personal reasons or having to be the right person for our lover in the first place. 

It's this imagination that gives away your power to choose who you want, and leaves you in a state to be dominated. In this state, all somebody would have to do to get your attention, is look and feel like that high-octane, electrifying ride (remember what selfish people/narcissists give when you first meet), until they get what they want from you, and then leave.

It feels like destiny when things go really well without effort, but the truth of the matter is, YOU are the magic that makes it effortless. Not just them. So let's see exactly what it is we have in our power to choose. 

Personality and The Will to Bear

An important question to be able to answer is...

What are you willing to bear?

Like it was discussed in Reality Check, you are telling people, "I accept you in my life" if you let them be who they are around you. Watch out for abusive attitudes that are physical or verbal and are not playful, and be careful about accepting the whimsical, uncaring, poking-fun-at-the-expense-of-others or people who like to fight. 

If you let someone with a foul kind of personality be who they are around you, what you thought was just a "little foul" will become quite disgusting and hard to miss in a relationship. 

People don't usually know their limit with you unless you tell them, but if you keep quiet and let in a little of what you don't like, you're letting in all of it. Let people know your limit.

People tend to be their true selves in small bits even before relationships are formed, so their core being will fully appear once they get comfortable. Where they get comfortable however, will be up to you. 

If you've developed a standard based on self-respect, just set your eyes on the kinds of things you want to see in their core. If you want to see patience, kindness, forgiveness, or intellect, or the ability to connect, the joy of life, or any other quality you prefer, foster it by accepting it. And let it grow.

There needs to be balance in a partner, much like your friends are in a way: emotional, passive, and subjective in one way, but intellectual, aggressive, and objective on the other hand. 

There also needs to be balance in a partner, where you can tell that they are being themselves even though sometimes in being themselves they make you angry, because these things are natural. 

If you look at the friends you have now, you know what you are willing to tolerate with them.

You also know when people push you too far (these are probably the people that are not your friends).

Find out and know what it is you are willing to bear and accept in someone as a friend, and you will be on the path to using your power to finding the right few thousand.

Sex and Intimacy

Believe it or not, there is one thing that instantly makes and breaks relationships at the very same time. That would be sex. The two sides to this are pretty huge.

Males and females both make the mistake of falling for the person that makes them feel sexy, turned on, alive, and misinterpret that as to why they like someone. This is usually a good sign for attraction, but if attraction is based on only this feeling, a hard fall is coming.

Their argument might go something like, "they make me feel", or "I've never felt this way with anyone else" not knowing it is simply because this person is doing something most don't want to or can't do. But it's just one person that is often crossing boundaries by touching, giving them naughty thoughts, mind play, or sex. 

By claiming that attraction is in the way "they make me feel", it is basically telling others, "I don't have a choice in who I like", which is a lie.

For the people that place a lot of weight on sex, if they ever let somebody get them to that point where they have sex, you can bet that they immediately cling to that person, heart and soul. If a relationship or marriage is not already happening, this foretells a few problems: 

- the relationship that may be had is now based on the fact that sex has been had (never a good reason). 

- if for some reason sex is not present after the deed has been done and they are still together, they have to learn to tolerate each other's personalities if they really mean to be together (what should have been learned before sex).

- also, if sex isn't present, the relationship might not be a relationship any longer. 

If you get someone through sex, you'll lose them through sex.

And just so you know... The earlier sex or physical intimacy happens between two people, the less likely there will be a functional relationship, even if that relationship does happen.

Conversely, if the relationship starts by getting to know each other and going out and having fun together, the more likely a relationship will have a secure foundation, either as friends, or mates.

The bottom line?

If you're only looking for a good time and nothing more, physical attractiveness and sexual ability can be your only requirements in a person.

If you want a true heart connection, sex should be nowhere near even #50 on your checklist (it should still be ON the list though). Sex, you can get anywhere, and eventually for whatever reason you won't even be able to have sex anymore, but true heart connections? Not that easy to get.

Just before moving on to the next point, I must add: 

Regardless of the fact that a true heart connection is harder to have yet heavily desired... 

People will almost always choose the person that they have sex with for a relationship. There is so much more being spoken that is received between the woman and the man that it far overpowers the choice one has, which means that you either really work to be the kind of person you want to be BEFORE having sex, or follow your sexual instincts and learn as you go (this is a very bumpy route).

When you have that mental and emotional unification, when you have that intimacy where you know the person is so into you and everything about you just like you are into them, the sex –whether someone knows how to do it or not– will always seem magical. 

And when you start getting better and learning each other in the bedroom... 

The experience? In one short word: Amazing. If you've got a better word, you can replace this it with this one.

As a matter of fact, when it comes to intimacy, there is a tried and true version... The kind that leads to mental and emotional unification.

If you want a deeper level of intimacy, you need to know that it will never be what is physical that fully connects you to someone else. 

In other words, you will never find that feeling you're looking for in somebody else, especially if you use sex to achieve it.

True intimacy is when you offer your heart instead of your body, your secrets instead of lies, attention instead of words... True intimacy is what happens when two souls cradle each other's little light like a newborn child.

Find someone that you are truly able to be intimate with in a friend – beyond the simple gesture of trading breaths under sheets – and you will be on the path to finding the right few thousand.

I Want...

It's imperative that you know what it is you want out of life, out of you, and out of relationships. When you know what you want, it makes it easier to say "no" to things that do not serve you and embrace what does. So figure out what you want, and if you can't right now, live a little. Time is a great friend.

The most important thing however, is that rather than sitting still, saying what you want and hoping it comes, if you really want it you have to work towards having it.

... Although, when it comes to having relationships, it's not something you find. You have to attract the potential for a relationship, and the best way to do that...

Is by being and doing it. 

If you have a list of things that you would love to see in your partner, it bolsters your chances of finding someone similar if you have those things in you. 

Even now, you have friends that think like you do in some way and have hobbies like yours, and that is the reason you connect with them.

Anything you like to do, connects you to others with the same passions, so if you're looking for an adventurous, challenging, trusting relationship, you would have to do things that involve adventure (be adventurous, go out and live), challenges (challenge others and yourself), and trust (be able to trust yourself and be an example of trust to others). 

Along the way as you live you'll instantly connect with those with the same adventurous, challenging, trusting heart, so you have to really get into it... Into you.

Find someone that you can connect with while you are living close to your passions, and if you can make friends doing that, you will be on the path to finding the right few thousand.

What's In A Friend 

I keep mentioning to find certain items in a friend for a good reason.

Keep in mind that when I use the word "friend", I mean to use it loosely, defined as "anyone you meet is friendly until proven otherwise".

Still, a friend is the ultimate foundation for a relationship. It's where you give yourself the permission to see in another person a lot of their character over a good period of time. 

It's where you flush out the ones who want your body only. 

It's where you flush out who actually isn't a friend.

It's where you flush out the ones who are abusive. 

It's where you flush out the ones who try to look way too good and innocent to get you to trust them.

It's where you flush out the nice vs. kind people.

It's where you flush out the people who don't care about your future, all of this lies in friendship. 

If that sexy guy you've been dying to have doesn't care 2 seconds about your life but perks up when it comes to anything sexual including you, it's a hint that this really isn't going to happen past a night or two of rolling in the sheets...

If that drool-worthy girl you've been meaning to talk to puts forward no effort to talking to you as much as you are, and only really perks up when you're offering something or giving without any exchange on her part, it's a subtle but loud signal that this "friendship" is going to last as long as you don't have empty pockets.

Often when it comes to dating and friends, their excuse for not dating you sounds like, "I can't date you because you're my friend and it'll mess up what we have" but that's probably the kindest way to tell someone, "Sorry, I'm not attracted to you, but you are valuable." 

This is what happens if you dawdle and refuse to actively express how you feel. You will hear this phrase 99% of the time if you put your value ahead of your feelings. Value can wait.

Your feelings won't.

Here's where we tie it all together.

Let me paint a picture of what The Will To Bear" looks like:

You've got a steady number of friends around you. You've got the gist of their habits, and their personality stems from a similar quality to yours. Some naturally brim with happiness, but they have occasional somber moods. You love it when they're around but when they get sad (and they often do), something itches inside you and sometimes you want to push them down a hole. 

But all things considered, you bear it.

Then there are your awesome, outgoing, aggressive friends that never miss a beat on the next hype! It's such an adventure to be with them but goodness... They're too pushy sometimes and they always want to take the lead. With all the arguing back and forth, it gets tiring. You just wish they'd pick something everybody likes already. 

But all things considered, you bear it.

You bear it because deep down, you know what they're capable of. You've seen their darkness and their light. In the end, you know the truth. 

They're awesome.

Intimacy: What it Looks Like

You usually hand off just a few details of your life to the many people you pass in your day. What you tell people is only ever deep enough to scratch the bottom of an 8 ounce cup. But some friends know you. You've had dark late night convos on the phone about the thoughts in your head and sometimes they're scary. They know your fears and what really makes you happy. You told them some things that you were sure would make them squirm... But they never do. So you share more and more until you realize: they understand that you're just a human being, as if you've been taking yourself too seriously. It's... Freeing, in a sense. It's almost like your soul is in their hands and their hands are an open park.

Being and Doing: What it Looks Like

Sometimes after work or play, you decide to take the scenic route home. Instead of sitting around on free days, you pick yourself up and look to find something you may have never seen. Quite possibly, along one of your random travels you'll be rewarded with a very interesting encounter with someone. 

Or perhaps one day you might challenge yourself in a way a friend knows is your blind spot, and that could be what tips the scales of attraction for them. 

It might even be that you'll trust someone in a way that they've never seen, and they keep you in mind for a future endeavor that caters to you both. The ripple effect and benefits to you are wide and varied.

The right few thousand, are always available, but it takes you to attract these people. It always begins with YOU.

Be busy living life the way you want to, and being yourself wholeheartedly, all the while keeping away the wrong type for your life. 

Know what you're willing to bear, and when to draw that line and say "that's enough". Be sure that the kind of intimacy and connection you have with friends are the kind that transcends the 5 senses. Couple that with the fact that you'll be busy doing what you love while you're attracting the kind of people you want in your life, and after a while...

You'll know where the right one is.

Onward and upwards, friends.

This is the third and last post that wraps up the basis of The Relationship Survivalist Kit. From this point on, the other posts will be covering the nuances and struggles of relationships in different areas, like On Loving You.

**You can find me on Facebook as Isaiah Dunkley (Veaire). I am an artist as well as friendly blogger. Feel free to find me and send messages on your thoughts.

II: Scissors

This next post is a build up from Reality Check, where the first one provided the insight to see why relationships often go wrong. However, almost every single relationship- friend or more- that fails, fails because of a lack of standard from either one or both members. That standard may vary according to the situation.

So I want to suggest a way you can use your eyes, mind and your insight to cut people that are not beneficial to your life out like scissors...

I want to help you update your foundation and keep you from being attached to people too fast, which is often the culprit for what happens in Reality Check (i.e lack of standard).

You'll find that people who possess some sort of standard do not take things personal. They will move with or without you, without saying so and without malice. If they're on a mission they won't complain that you "weren't there", they will be where they're trying to be with someone else.

So here's a standard you can adopt.

Think "one".

Give opportunities and give it a single chance with people. 

Consider this formula: 1+1 = 2.

Count 1 as if what you do was only half of an equation, like it is supposed to equal 2. If you text someone: 1. They text back: 1. 

1+1 = 2.

If they're telling you something...

And you have a question, You ask: 1.

They answer the question in a way that doesn't fully answer yours... 0. 

1+0 = 2 

Something doesn't add up here. 

2+0 = 2 is what happens when you feel people are worth your love and hard work, but it will also look like 2+0 = 2 if you're texting too much, letting questions go unanswered, and allowing dissatisfaction to go unquenched.

The breakdown of 1+1 goes like this:

- If you text, text once and no more. People don't have that many people to talk to that they "miss your text". If they do, they'll get back to you eventually anyway. If you get a reply: +1.

- If you call, call once. They didn't pick up? No need to follow with a text. They will see "1 missed call" like you do on yours, if they cared enough, they'd call back. If you get a call back, then there's the +1 on their side.

- If they do something to offend, let them know once, clearly. Things that happen on a grand scale come from the small moments like disrespectful teasing that goes too far.

- If they try to make light of crossing a boundary you have, telling you that you should take it easy, this is your +1 opportunity to prove that you fully believe in what you do not like, and convey it to them. To anyone. If it ever occurs again, you do not go, "there you go again", because that is tolerance, and tolerance is allowance (especially if you know that they are purposely pushing boundaries). Instead, nonverbally communicate that you do not condone that treatment by keeping them out of your life. You give one chance in these cases because people do not know what bothers you until you tell them, but if they repeat the offense after you do, it tells you that they do not care that you are not comfortable. 

"One" works especially when you hear something said that turns you off, upsets you, confuses you, makes you feel like something isn't right. You might have a feeling about what is said or done and what it means behind the scenes. When you get these feelings, you must act on them. They are not imagined. These are YOUR feelings. Sometimes you'll have images of what something means, sometimes you'll finish a sentence in your head that sounds like they left something out, sometimes a question comes in the very back of your mind that suggests that "this story isn't right"... That's because it isn't. Be sure to ask questions if you're confused and never backing down until you have full clarity. You might even shake off a few liars this way, and some may get frustrated with you, as they were hoping you wouldn't try to understand. 

"One" protects you from a deadly trick that people who think they have your heart will employ: Silent Treatment. In the case that they aren't having their way, they will employ this trick to whittle down your patience and defense, and amp your desire to see them again, and to have you text more than once, and to have you think about them more so that you over-invest (2+0). "One" will stop this by keeping texts to a minimum and acts as an offense. They'll be the ones texting things like, "I miss you" since you aren't overdoing it but the thing about "missing anyone" is that if you really miss somebody, you would find a way to meet them, not sit on your couch saying you do. "I miss you" is a mental ploy.

"One" helps you pay attention to those who follow through with what they say. If you're honest, but naïve, you might make the mistake of thinking everyone is honest. When anyone says they'll do something, only believe it as it happens. People tend to let the idea of a result please them instead of the actual result, which gives short-term satisfaction, that users can see. If they know this, they will offer empty words as often as they can, and watch you spin in circles every time. 

"One" is important for when you confess your feelings. Naturally, once you confess, it requires an answer. If you do not get an answer, it means "no". If you receive a "not right now", an explanation for why they can't, if the friendship persists as if you've never shared your feelings, it all means no. If you cross the line by thinking you have to bring it up again, you are beginning to over-invest. Leave the person if you must, but turn away.

At first it won't be easy to listen to that inside voice, but as you do, that voice will get louder. As that voice gets louder, you'll find that it's getting closer. That voice will slowly become familiar, your days will start to shine brighter, you'll begin to do more and better for yourself... You'll start loving yourself (but that's subjective without a standard).

Best of all, you'll realize that that voice, was you this whole time. It feels good to be King/Queen.

Your scissors, your standard, is self-love and respect. 

Anyone who makes you disrespect yourself by making you text too much, cut your heart away from them, focus back on your life. Anyone who doesn't reciprocate effort, cut them away, focus back on your life. Anyone that doesn't come up on their end of a bargain, cut them away. Anyone that makes you feel like you're wasting your time, cut them away. Anyone that makes you wait when you tell them your feelings, cut your heart away from them. Cut your heart from the source of anything that causes you to disrespect yourself for someone else.

Use your scissors, and get to cuttin'.

Onward and upwards, friends.

Once you think you can handle your scissors well, you might be curious as to where the right people are, where the right one is. I bring you the third installment: Where the "Right One" is.

**You can find me on Facebook as Isaiah Dunkley (Veaire). I am an artist as well as friendly blogger. Feel free to find me and send messages on your thoughts.

You're Not That Nice

Here is a side-step in The Relationship Survivalist Kit to delve into a staggering issue that people have talked about for a long time in terms of dating...

Nice People. 

Are nice people as nice as they say they are? Do they deserve that chance to be dated?

Most nice people are single wondering why they aren't chosen, why do the ones they like go for other people like jerks instead of choosing them? 

Meanwhile, the people they like may tell others about the nice person, "they're too nice, cute, boring, not sexy..." Or even, "they're actually not that nice when you date them". Fair opinions from both sides, but before responding to any of this, we're going to have to tackle an issue in the mind that's been creating some unintended bias on nice people.

Going Back to the Root

A clear distinction has to be made between what nice actually is and is not, because in reality, this word has become a label instead of a word with a definition.

Labels help the brain quickly know what to feel, what to think, and what to ASSUME about others (like what we'd assume if we saw a poor looking person on the street and called them a "bum", we'd then have a predisposition about them). 

What is assumed when people call someone "nice" these days is cute, unsexy, submissive, pleasant, and giving, but if you were to find a dictionary version of that word you would find many pleasing definitions: 

• exhibiting courtesy and politeness, 

• excessively fastidious and easily disgusted

• done with delicacy and skill

• socially or conventionally correct.

• having a pleasant or attractive appearance 

One of the sites with a definition for nice even had this usage note about the word: "...The semantic history of nice is quite varied, as the etymology and the obsolete senses attest, and any attempt to insist on only one of its present senses as correct is not in keeping with the facts of actual usage. One criticism is that the word has come, through overuse, to lack precision and intensity."

Basically, if you are persistent on thinking that "nice" means one thing, you're making a mistake, but because people have been doing that anyway, it has come to lack accuracy and strength in its use... It has become cliché. 

This cliché has been used to describe even the people who have a kind and genuinely welcoming character, but this is where it is important to draw the line (from this point I will use the word "nice" as the world knows it, not by true definition).

Unlike the word nice, kind has a more gentle definition:

• of a good or benevolent nature

• indulgent, considerate, or helpful 

• loving, affectionate

• tolerant and forgiving under provocation 

Kind also comes with a bit of a description: "[kind implies] a sympathetic attitude towards others, and a willingness to do good or give pleasure. Kind implies a deep-seated characteristic shown either habitually or on occasion by considerate behavior..."

This word has a gentle tone because kindness is much more of a heart condition (kind-hearted), a choice, a personality trait, and a reflection of just one of many other potential traits a person can have. That means a person can be called kind, and also sarcastic, or kind, and strict. 

On the other hand, If you assume someone was nice (because of how they're acting) and they later do something mean, you'd think/say a very common phrase, "I thought you were nice" as if they aren't a human being with multiple facets. 

Being thought to be nice locks out the possibility of being anything else in other people's minds, and partially, it is the nice person's fault. A nice person is usually withholding themselves because of fears and insecurities, and so miss out on some great opportunities, just to refuse risk.

Nice, Kind, and Dating

So it is in the dating scene. Nice people are typically asking for chances or waiting around for them, instead of making the chance, and being the person that allows them to have what they want.

That's a major problem with this group of nice guys/girls. They aren't being who they really are. That alone messes up so much for their dating life. However, kind people aren't holding back. They know they don't HAVE to be kind, yet it is already in them to be that way. This leaves them available to be other things, like fun, or thoughtful, or able to speak their mind, especially about things they don't like. As a matter of fact...

Have you ever had a nice guy/girl tell you what they don't like? 

That doesn't sound too probable. They wouldn't want to offend you. They wouldn't want to make you disappointed. They don't want you to think that they're too pushy and so believe instead that the correct maneuver is to be a pushover. As a matter of fact, they're more likely to voice that they like everything you do, trying to get on your good side.

The unfortunate secret is... People can feel when others are trying to do that, and sometimes it feels eerie. Kind people aren't going to refuse to tell you what they don't like because they most likely have self-respect to draw the line. Kind people do not need to get on your good side. Who they are naturally enrolls others into their life. Another question:

Have you ever had a nice guy/girl tell you what they want?

They really wouldn't do that, especially if what they want is not what you want, even if what they want is you. In their mind, that endangers their chances of being close to you. So they avoid conflict/confrontation entirely. 

Nice people will instead let you know that it's, "whatever you want to do" where they put the ball in your court at all times with what you both do. You might find that when they're around you, you're always guiding them and they're along for the ride. They just orbit around you. Sooner or later you're going to question why they are here.

You'll know why a kind person is around. 

They are already being themselves enough that you both consented to each other's presence, or you are in harm, and they are taking their time to take care of you, share information, or guide you.

Have you ever known a nice guy/girl to be angry?

Kind people certainly are. Remember that they have other reservations to be more than one part of who they are, so they are most likely angry when they see that you will clearly be hurt in the direction you're headed with your life. They will be incensed that they may not be able to do anything about it either, but nice people? They're almost never upset. They wouldn't want to be angry at the people they want to keep around, so they keep themselves from being angry, even from the ones who are purposely testing their patience.

Nice people seem to have unlimited amounts of "patience", but "patience" can only be patience for so long until it's simply self-disrespect. Are people making fun of them? Are people about to take them somewhere they know they don't want to go? Are they about to surpass a moral line they wouldn't normally cross? Are they about to become someone they're not? And for what? 

Nice people: What can be so much more important than yourself, what you want, and what you like, that you sacrifice your being? Doesn't that make you angry that you might not actually know? Or just afraid to? Last question:

Have you ever known a nice guy/girl to be sexy?

If nice guys/girls were able to at least be sexually attractive, they would be able to pull more of what they want in their direction (albeit the wrong types of people if in this manner), but they eschew sexuality. 

Just like sharing what they want (and being assertive about it), they might run people away, and they don't want people to run away. They will shun sexual humor, attitudes, actions, as if these things shouldn't exist, as if these things aren't normal, as if looking as pure as they try to look attracts people, but it isn't how pure you look that attracts others. It's the reality of your character that works. 

Looking innocent gets you coddled and babied, and society thinks it best that you stay that way, unrealistically you.

Even girls have a certain way to shame people they deem as nice, where they will tell the nice guys, "you shouldn't say/do that" or the famous "that's not nice" while they giggle about that phallus joke the other guy made 7 minutes ago. A kind guy may very well have been the one to make that joke. The kind person isn't limited by any other aspect of their life. All that you know about a kind person is JUST A PART of who they are, not the other way around, so them being perverted does not negate their kindness.

Just Be

In these four questions, nice people "don't want" a lot to happen. In their selfishness to "not want this/that to happen", nothing happens at all, and their actions? Misread.

Dating is not about what you don't want to happen, not about what you don't want to lose, but about everything you want to happen and gain. Kind people are kind enough to allow that process to occur.

As for the nice people however, once they build up enough frustration over things that are not happening, that's when they turn from nice to jerk guys (as do the girls), angry at the world for not giving them what they wanted when they don't even realize...

They were the only ones keeping it from themselves.

Jerks are no better either. The only difference at this point is that they now are not asking for sex. They demand it. Where nice people look to relationships to suggest sex, jerks look to sex to suggest relationships having no intention of fulfilling what they know the other wants. And once they have what they want... They leave and cause more pain in their leaving than the nice people.

In general, nice people are too insecure and too fearful to be an option that people would often date. It does occur, but from dating to a relationship, it's not all that interesting. They offer too much, expecting much back, they resist too much of themselves, and they deny the reality of the person they are for the acceptance of society. They need to trust in who they are and stop being fixated on what they don't want to lose. I don't even have to say that people shouldn't give them a chance.

People already don't want to date them.

People already know that they're not that nice.

So, be kind...

And just be you.

Onward and upwards, friends.

**You can find me on Facebook as Isaiah Dunkley (Veaire). I am a musical artist as well as friendly blogger. Feel free to find me and send messages on your thoughts.

I: Reality Check

**Note: the words empath/narcissist are labels that may describe you, but know that it does not define you. You define you. You make the choice for your tendencies, although you will find that you exhibit both habits.**

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I have noticed trends all my life. 

Through my experiences as a little kid to the stories that I've heard from others of similar fates, or entirely new ones, I have seen the consistency. I've heard about the pain that friends, family, and strangers have felt and how they had been taken advantage of, blamed for problems, and ravaged by the uncertainty and confusion of someone that is unsure about committing their life to the one that loves them. 

But given some time and repeated incidents, I've realized one true pattern that explains the two people that are usually involved in relationships that naturally go into a more intimate setting... 

There will be one who is tired of the person they are with, with the occasional stepping out on (cheating or moment of disloyalty), who thinks someone is too clingy and doesn't give space, or just became annoying and dull.

Unbeknownst to the feelings of the other, this one can't seem to extinguish that passion for their partner they had from the day they met, and can't help but to talk to the other at least once a day. 

Slowly but surely, through a series of events that occur, the relationship sours to the point where arguments increase, laughter decreases, and there is a yearning for the times that use to be, or a desire for the relationship to finally go to the next level. 

Unfortunately...

Neither will ever happen. Whoever wants the relationship to get better or be more when the other thinks like this, will not have it. 

Too Much Into Themselves

That's because what you have is a selfish person, who can only really consider their opportunities, with no regard to what you need or want.

They won't look selfish at first. When you're with this kind of person at the point of a slowing relationship (friendship or more), it looks more like they're hung up, it looks like they're stuck, like they need help, like the problems are complex, like they're trying to figure out their next step with you, like they're in trouble and don't understand what's going on. 

Of course, you'll believe this. 

You'll believe this because if you can relate to the paragraph above, you are most likely the compassionate person. You're the kind of person that cares for people, willing to help people through their problems. You love to give. You are self-less: you consider other people's opportunities, with no regard to your own needs. You understand that people are different so you give time and space to someone who "says" they want to commit but does not commit to you yet, or who "says" they want to work to building a better relationship but does not seem to work with you on a better relationship...

But consider this:

If you REALLY want something, do you leave it alone? Or do you FIND some way to make it work? 

Yes, you make it work.

Why should it matter that there are problems in the way? 

You see, in reality, there is nothing in the way. If there is nothing in the way, that only means one thing: you are in their way of what he/she wants to do. They do not want you (they will say they do, but only because you fulfill a certain capacity, you are of no real importance). 

Whatever agenda they are seeking to fulfill in their life, does not include you. That means that they are the problem.

They are the problem, because when two people are willing, actions will be taken in place for both people's wishes. Which means, if your partner and yourself both wish to be in each other's lives, you will act like it. It will look like it's going somewhere. If one wishes "yes" and the other wishes "no", it will act out like it. It will look like a standstill. 

You want to know another thing about yourself?

You're probably the kind of person that thinks you need an answer when you have a question. You're always looking for answers, content when you have them. You feel like once the person tells you "yes" or "no" you will be free, but the reality is that they will not tell you the answer because they know the answer is "no", and that you will leave when they say "no".. 

Basically, what I said was...

They know you. 

But you don't know them, not as much as you think you do.

They know you won't leave if you don't receive an answer, so they won't tell you. They know you'll try to understand them and ask questions because people like you always have questions you want to ask. 

At this point, I'm going to use a label (now I'm not too fond of labels as they dehumanize). For the sake of this post, and relevant sources of information I'm going to call the curious, selfless ones "empaths", and I will call the selfish ones "narcissists".

Narcissists know who you are. Since they know who you are, regardless of what intense but short passion they share with you, they will use you against you. They play to the sincere nature of those they know are willing to give selflessly, and because they are always in a state of want, they will always take what you give.

The downside to giving for empaths is that through giving, they feel affection (whether it's an item, time, or attention). They give from their heart, so they feel closer to those that they give to. It's a large investment.

 It should also be noted that empaths have an attuned sense to giving to people in need. People that are always in need are narcissists. So now you can see why nice people always seem to find jerks.

Of course, empaths don't know someone is a narcissist until it's too late because during the beginning, the narcissist is testing them, learning what makes them tick, finding out what they can and cannot get away with. So the poking looks fun and wonderful at first. They have to figure out your use, so they have to test the limits. However, once they figure it out...

Your "privileges" will be limited. 

It will be one day where there is a sudden disconnection and they won't seem as interested, or when it's about the subject of furthering relationships, the hang-ups will begin. You are in a place of usefulness (see: friend aka sex, loneliness, record keeper, time passer) and everything will begin to come to a standstill. Arguments will increase, laughter will decrease, you will be blamed (you'll often hear it's your fault, you're being clingy, you keep doing or did something), they need space, they need a break...

But you must believe in yourself. These things are not your fault. 

Empaths also have an uncanny sense for what's going on. They won't have a word for it, but subconsciously they will feel like their partner has pulled back, not doing what they used to, and in the back of their head it will feel like something is wrong. That's when empaths go on the search for answers. 

They will ask the one they're close to, "what's going on" but this is how it all begins. If you tolerate the slow but steady degradation and reduction of the relationship at this point, it will wear you down until suddenly you find yourself with your chin in the ground. They already don't want to be there. They're just waiting for you to leave. 

So believe that voice in the back of your mind that tells you something is off. Never fall for the blame they place on you that, "you're doing this/that too much/too little and that's why this is happening", because you are simply being you.

They just want you to back off.

Immaturity at best, but that's exactly what narcissists are. They are people who have been hurt, but they have never faced down their pain/experience that occurred at a terribly young age. They apply that pain/experience to every aspect of their life, and teach themselves lessons to "never be hurt by people because people are always out to get you and use you" so they use others first. 

They project the world they envision on to whoever they meet while they hide behind a steel mask of a personality. 

It's almost majestic how they live their lives. 

Having built up their steel walls for so many years, they have a process about how they deal with people. It will feel like they know you. They will be able to tell you better than you can tell yourself. They seem so fun and outgoing, exuding the power of an extrovert all with a zest of life of all kinds of colors and lights, and you'll be at the front row of that high-octane, electrifying ride!

This is why empaths get strung up on what used to be. It starts out so well. The empath will want those moments back, but narcissists can't keep that up.  

Narcissists will seem so strong without showing an ounce of weakness and it makes such an impression that you can't help but lean on them, knowing they will be there... Only, they won't let you see the cracks they have on the other side of that wall, and God help you if you see one. 

Much like trying to convince a narcissist that they are wrong, if you peel back a crack of their shell, you will face resistance unlike any force you have ever known. Remember that they have the imagination that people are out to get them, so getting closer will force them to kill you (not literally but this is how severe your punishment will be).

No, you cannot help these people. You are an item to them. An item cannot help. An item has a purpose. The way you find somebody, if you are who you are and they are who they are, they will stay that way as long as you know them. 

What if you left? Now, if an empath leaves a narcissist after finally being tired, it will seem like they don't care at first. They already have other prospects anyway.

Seriously, they do. But let some time pass...

And you will find them at your doorstep. 

They will have "changed". They will be willing to talk when they never seemed available before. There are varying degrees of a narcissist but the general idea is that they always want to talk and will always have something to say (the worst types must always win). They will never actually prove to you what they speak from their lips. It'll always be enough to satiate you, until you figure out it was just another evasion...

You will wonder why they had to change after you left. The answer is simple: It took you leaving for them to change in the first place. 

The longer you stayed and struggled, the longer the problem would persist. 

You see, when you're dealing with people, by allowing them access to your life, you nonverbally condone their treatment. Whether it is good or bad treatment, if they're in your life, you are saying, "I accept you here." So no matter who you are, if you leave (mentally, physically, emotionally), you are telling the one you left, "you are not accepted here".

If you're currently in this situation now, ask yourself how long will you tell someone, "I accept you here" when them being "here" is hurting or conflicting you? 

What about where the other kind hearted people are that you'd love to be in a relationship with?

Now we're winding down. 

The most surprising thing about not being able to find someone that can fully love you the way you want, has to do with the very same characteristics I've defined for both an empath and a narcissist.

Empaths don't often find empaths because of the way they have affection for others. They are used to giving, but not so good at receiving. They will often decline what comes their way, imagining that they are content without it, "I don't want to you do that to yourself", "don't waste your time", "I'm alright" they'll tell you. So when they offer a gift to another empath, he/she declines, not knowing, that denying a gift, is effectively denying their heart. And empaths do it to each other way too often.

Empaths also put so much into their relationships and pretty much become like the other person they're with. If two empaths are doing this, they'll lose themselves in such a way that eventually blend too well as one. Too much coming together drains the power of the relationship and kills the excitement. Empaths love to know, so two empaths would fulfill each other by always saying too much, too often, and knowing too much. It would all become too stable, stale, and uninteresting. Narcissists simply don't tell all because they don't care to, so it works well.

Just to name a few.

Narcissists don't find narcissists because that would equal two people always trying to take. No one is giving anything, and because there is nothing to take, the relationship instantly dies. Nothing of interest here.

They also don't find each other because neither of them understand compromise. You ever heard one of your past partners say, "you can take it or leave it"? Two people that defiant against each other cause too much hell, and it dies. Even if they found each other, it doesn't last very long. There is too much bumping heads.

Again, just to name a few. 

Finally...

What ultimately works in a relationship are two strong empaths. A strong empath will be empathic with narcissistic tendencies, but with reasonable and proper balance.

At the very least, one has to be stronger than the two. It only takes one. Still considerate of the other one, yet fully understands that they don't have to tell it all, that it's okay to receive as well as give, allows the other person to have meaning in their life, is not impenetrable. The stronger empath has weaknesses and shares that information with only empaths. They also know the weaknesses of the weaker and bolsters the strengths instead. When the stronger empath sees that the weaker has invested an interest, they put a bond on it, and help it to grow. The relationship is beautifully symbiotic.

If both are strong empaths, both uplift when either falls down, both take care of each other when the other gets sick, and know not to say it all. The relationship is a metaphysically dynamic experience. Not only one possesses the role of love.

If you haven't looked through your past yet to see that my words are true, I ask you to take the time to travel back... 

Look at this present moment and your relationships and tell me, that this isn't just...

A Relationship Theory.

Onward and upwards, friends.

Now that you know what goes wrong in relationships (at least in part), I bring you Scissors! <----- click it! Find out how you can keep from being checked by this kind of reality. 

**You can find me on Facebook as Isaiah Dunkley (Veaire). I am an artist as well as friendly blogger. Feel free to find me and send messages on your thoughts.