On Loving You

Read that quote. And really take a second to answer it.

When I read that quote, saying "me" was not even in the first four things that I knew I loved. I even felt a bit uneasy saying "me" once I thought about it.

That was a bit stunning to realize.

Based on my reluctance to say "me" as an answer to that question, I'd probably give people who did love me a hard time just because I would think that I do not deserve their love, all because I won't even accept my own.

Loving yourself is the grandest, largest, and most essential factor to relationships that will involve every single person you come across in your life, whether they are strangers, love interests, friends, or family, including yourself. 

However, whether it is on the Internet, by the words of relatives, friends, or celebrities, people are always telling you to love yourself. The only thing is, no one tells you how to love yourself. Is it because they don't know? Do they not know how to explain it? I personally thought it to be that people were lazy; always ready to tell you what to do but never ready to explain anything.

So how do you love yourself?

Give It A Name

You first have to understand that love is something you can obtain. 

Yes, it is something you can have.

If you believe love to be this magical, airy substance that flits about, daring you to capture it, it will always stay beyond your reach. How you define love and then practice it, is how you know you have it. If you have it, you can then give it. That's where the fun begins.

If you've never defined love, or left the definition to chance and feelings, then you are most likely causing yourself unnecessary trouble. This is true especially if this unknown love has you disrespecting and treating yourself unjustly, compared to the one you say you love. 

If you think you have the capacity to love someone else, without acknowledging your own humanity (that is, your own needs and wants), you're going to find yourself empty. When those needs are missing, it will in turn start to stagnate the relationship you have with everyone because you aren't getting what you require. 

In that instance, part of loving yourself would be to let other people know what you need because without that, relationships won't thrive.

The definition of love will vary from neighbor to neighbor, but it will always have one thing in common: 

A standard. 

A foundation. 

This is similar to what "Scissors" discussed, but the only exception is that loving yourself has very little to do with cutting people off if someone crosses a line of respect. Cutting people off is a very minor aspect of love because people who love themselves understand that they are simply placing their TEAC (time, energy, attention, communication) elsewhere, in part for self respect, and in part for the standard that they refuse to fall below (to someone else's standard that is too low for a relationship to work). It's not about excommunication. 

Does This Mean Something To You?

You see, a few years ago, I was searching for a definition that I could operate by. I was searching because I'm the kind of person that can guide myself better when I have answers. I heard about love all my life but I never thought about what love meant to me. 

The first time I ever gave love a definition, I had said that, "Love is understanding". It was this to me very early on because as a child I was always misunderstood. Growing up, I was always a spectacle since I never did things the socially acceptable and conventional way.  

Over time as I grew up, I realized that love was more than just what I was missing out on, and I developed a phrase that let me conceptualize how presently applicable love is beyond just myself:

"Love is understanding the best of what to give." 

That's to myself and any event, and to whomever I meet, under innumerable circumstances.

The absolute and most important word in that phrase is "give". Love does not exist without giving. So understand here and now, that you can give things to yourself. You can give things like fries, ice cream, care, time, anything that may be beneficial or detrimental to your being.

I do believe however, that it is necessary to at the very least start defining love as the things you've always wanted and never had, that you think other people would appreciate if you gave it. Eventually, you will realize that love and giving is more than what you never had, especially because experience will teach you that people will not always hold value to the things you consider valuable. This is ok though, since knowing this gives you clear permission to take care of yourself and your needs first.

No matter what, it is always better to fulfill your own needs first. If you operate by a definition, you'll be able to guide yourself as far as what is the best to give to yourself, then to everyone else according to what they need. 

Let's not fool ourselves though. When I say "love yourself", and "fulfill your needs", it is easy to misconstrue it as "giving yourself things you want" but confusing the want with need. 

You will never need a cigarette to calm your nerves.

You will never need drugs, sex or external sources to give you peace of mind. Other people cannot give you things that you yourself are already capable of building with patience (like conviction, determination, faith, will, trust, forgiveness, understanding, empathy). Short term gains will never beat the experience of constructing solidarity with your soul, brick by brick with your own heart and mind. Yes, this takes time, but being forged by time produces a much more powerful and valuable you, to yourself and to the world.

So, what is love to you? Turn the answer inward, perform it to yourself, and then perform it to everyone else.

Love Has A Shadow, Too

The funny thing about asking "what is love to you?", is that love is a question, not an answer.

Love comes with a series of unspoken questions that prove you, but it helps you break it down by asking you things that will apply to the many situations you experience in life like:

- Don't you care about yourself enough to stop now?

- Don't you trust yourself enough to make this decision?

- Are you lying to yourself?

- You're strong enough to face this and push through... Right?

- You're going to get up once you finish falling, right?

- Is this what you deserve?

Every time you answer a question, you will answer in action, not word. You will fail. Very often. Sometimes, the point will be to fail, and press on. Once you get to a certain point and far enough in your life, looking back your decisions will talk back to you and answer those questions love asked you. That's how you realize you've learned. That's how you realize where you been. 

In part, this is why people don't often feel good about looking too deep into things, because whenever they look, their answer to love's questions tell them what they're afraid to believe now...

The things they already know and yet don't want to confront.

Honestly, It hurts to look back through your life and see yourself say to love, 

"No, I don't respect myself." 

Yes, this is what I deserve."

"No, I'm not strong enough to face this." 

"I don't care about myself enough to stop."

Then denial and pride kick in to protect you from the sorrow of the truth that encroaches your comfort lines, but right then and there, love is asking you, 

"Are you strong enough to face yourself now?" Denial and pride don't jump in until you tell them to. 

If they do, negative energy begins to build up inside. This is the type of energy that causes people to be selfish, boisterous, and narcissistic. This is the type of energy that once it builds up enough, makes people become depressed, frustrated, angry, confused, lazy, many things will be everyone else's fault but their own, and there will be a need to release this cyclonic energy into others for ones own happiness. They'll think they are happy.

You may have already experienced people like this. You may have been this person. The truth about them is... They need a release, and causing pain is a short term cure for their own pain. This is the effect of answering love's questions with shame, pride, ignorance, everything else but honesty and ones own self.

Love is a question, not an answer.

And how you answer it right in the moment, will speak back to you when you look back. And you will know.

Either you run behind shame and ask it to hide you, or you stand right there, turn your glance to the left, tell shame, denial, ego and the others not to jump in this time, nod to them that you can handle it and declare:

"No, I'm not strong enough to face myself, but I want to. Here and now." 

The hard work begins then. You might not see the point in being vulnerable if you can just refuse any form of intimacy to avoid the dangers of people getting too close.

You might not see the point in working so hard to be honest when you can lie to get ahead much faster. 

You might not see the point in being transparent when you get away much quicker with walls and shade. 

It's much easier to give yourself the excuse that you are filth and can't do anything right, just to have a reason to do nothing at all.

But that's exactly the kind of thing that equivocates to lack of self love. What you do to other people is always what you do to yourself first.

So yes, the hard work begins here, and yes, you will fail often. It's all part of the deal of being human. 

Don't forget! 

If you want to know how to love yourself, define what love even is by the things you want and then practice it. It can be a list of things you do and say, like being more patient if you aren't, smiling more if you often have dreary moods, occasionally treating yourself when you're too focused instead of burning yourself out. 

It could be a small, guiding phrase, to help your mind quickly snap back around how you want to act. 

Remember that defining love around what you want is designed to get you started on what that word really means for you and the world around you. If you can't find words, try actions. You might find it easier to understand something when you're in the action and experience of loving, not in the thought of it. Much like finding worth, you can't just know you have worth, you do things that you find worth your time and therein do you find your worth.

Keep in mind that love is a question that listens to what you do when you answer, it does not hear what you say. Anything you do outside of your definition of love is most likely a reaction from pain, fear, or a past experience. 

So know that this is a journey.

Know that you must never judge yourself when you fail, even though sometimes you might judge yourself anyway. And that's okay if you do sometimes. Forge ahead regardless.

Know... That the results over time are worth so much.

And finally, know that...

  

Through trial and error, always upwards.

The next post is already out, "There are Levels to This". Find out what kind of levels there might be ;)

And the one before... "Where the 'Right One' Is"

**You can find me on Facebook as Isaiah Dunkley (Veaire). I am an artist as well as friendly blogger. Feel free to find me and send messages on your thoughts..