II: Scissors

This next post is a build up from Reality Check, where the first one provided the insight to see why relationships often go wrong. However, almost every single relationship- friend or more- that fails, fails because of a lack of standard from either one or both members. That standard may vary according to the situation.

So I want to suggest a way you can use your eyes, mind and your insight to cut people that are not beneficial to your life out like scissors...

I want to help you update your foundation and keep you from being attached to people too fast, which is often the culprit for what happens in Reality Check (i.e lack of standard).

You'll find that people who possess some sort of standard do not take things personal. They will move with or without you, without saying so and without malice. If they're on a mission they won't complain that you "weren't there", they will be where they're trying to be with someone else.

So here's a standard you can adopt.

Think "one".

Give opportunities and give it a single chance with people. 

Consider this formula: 1+1 = 2.

Count 1 as if what you do was only half of an equation, like it is supposed to equal 2. If you text someone: 1. They text back: 1. 

1+1 = 2.

If they're telling you something...

And you have a question, You ask: 1.

They answer the question in a way that doesn't fully answer yours... 0. 

1+0 = 2 

Something doesn't add up here. 

2+0 = 2 is what happens when you feel people are worth your love and hard work, but it will also look like 2+0 = 2 if you're texting too much, letting questions go unanswered, and allowing dissatisfaction to go unquenched.

The breakdown of 1+1 goes like this:

- If you text, text once and no more. People don't have that many people to talk to that they "miss your text". If they do, they'll get back to you eventually anyway. If you get a reply: +1.

- If you call, call once. They didn't pick up? No need to follow with a text. They will see "1 missed call" like you do on yours, if they cared enough, they'd call back. If you get a call back, then there's the +1 on their side.

- If they do something to offend, let them know once, clearly. Things that happen on a grand scale come from the small moments like disrespectful teasing that goes too far.

- If they try to make light of crossing a boundary you have, telling you that you should take it easy, this is your +1 opportunity to prove that you fully believe in what you do not like, and convey it to them. To anyone. If it ever occurs again, you do not go, "there you go again", because that is tolerance, and tolerance is allowance (especially if you know that they are purposely pushing boundaries). Instead, nonverbally communicate that you do not condone that treatment by keeping them out of your life. You give one chance in these cases because people do not know what bothers you until you tell them, but if they repeat the offense after you do, it tells you that they do not care that you are not comfortable. 

"One" works especially when you hear something said that turns you off, upsets you, confuses you, makes you feel like something isn't right. You might have a feeling about what is said or done and what it means behind the scenes. When you get these feelings, you must act on them. They are not imagined. These are YOUR feelings. Sometimes you'll have images of what something means, sometimes you'll finish a sentence in your head that sounds like they left something out, sometimes a question comes in the very back of your mind that suggests that "this story isn't right"... That's because it isn't. Be sure to ask questions if you're confused and never backing down until you have full clarity. You might even shake off a few liars this way, and some may get frustrated with you, as they were hoping you wouldn't try to understand. 

"One" protects you from a deadly trick that people who think they have your heart will employ: Silent Treatment. In the case that they aren't having their way, they will employ this trick to whittle down your patience and defense, and amp your desire to see them again, and to have you text more than once, and to have you think about them more so that you over-invest (2+0). "One" will stop this by keeping texts to a minimum and acts as an offense. They'll be the ones texting things like, "I miss you" since you aren't overdoing it but the thing about "missing anyone" is that if you really miss somebody, you would find a way to meet them, not sit on your couch saying you do. "I miss you" is a mental ploy.

"One" helps you pay attention to those who follow through with what they say. If you're honest, but naïve, you might make the mistake of thinking everyone is honest. When anyone says they'll do something, only believe it as it happens. People tend to let the idea of a result please them instead of the actual result, which gives short-term satisfaction, that users can see. If they know this, they will offer empty words as often as they can, and watch you spin in circles every time. 

"One" is important for when you confess your feelings. Naturally, once you confess, it requires an answer. If you do not get an answer, it means "no". If you receive a "not right now", an explanation for why they can't, if the friendship persists as if you've never shared your feelings, it all means no. If you cross the line by thinking you have to bring it up again, you are beginning to over-invest. Leave the person if you must, but turn away.

At first it won't be easy to listen to that inside voice, but as you do, that voice will get louder. As that voice gets louder, you'll find that it's getting closer. That voice will slowly become familiar, your days will start to shine brighter, you'll begin to do more and better for yourself... You'll start loving yourself (but that's subjective without a standard).

Best of all, you'll realize that that voice, was you this whole time. It feels good to be King/Queen.

Your scissors, your standard, is self-love and respect. 

Anyone who makes you disrespect yourself by making you text too much, cut your heart away from them, focus back on your life. Anyone who doesn't reciprocate effort, cut them away, focus back on your life. Anyone that doesn't come up on their end of a bargain, cut them away. Anyone that makes you feel like you're wasting your time, cut them away. Anyone that makes you wait when you tell them your feelings, cut your heart away from them. Cut your heart from the source of anything that causes you to disrespect yourself for someone else.

Use your scissors, and get to cuttin'.

Onward and upwards, friends.

Once you think you can handle your scissors well, you might be curious as to where the right people are, where the right one is. I bring you the third installment: Where the "Right One" is.

**You can find me on Facebook as Isaiah Dunkley (Veaire). I am an artist as well as friendly blogger. Feel free to find me and send messages on your thoughts.