In the first post, Reality Check identified destructive relationship patterns, where the givers haphazardly find their hearts in the hands of The Takers. The second post, Scissors steps in to suggest a way to avoid having the wrong kind of people enter your life and what to do about it.
... So if you know how to avoid the wrong people, how about meeting the right people? It's focused on a more simple concept than you think.
Choices
Before we get into this, you need to know something very important. It is this:
There is no right ONE for you.
The truth is, there are thousands of people on this planet that are actually perfect for you, and that number shifts every time you or other people change something about yourself whether that's a physical change, mental change, a spiritual change.
What makes you think there is a "right one" is because you have had the feeling of selecting someone and dedicating your heart to one person at a point in time, and they became the right one in your heart and mind.
If you've ever had that, "they are the only one for me" feeling, it highlights an interesting point of view that is rarely ever revealed: if that feeling came when you chose "the one" back then, it should make sense that...
When it comes to dedicating your heart to anyone, you always get to choose.
You just have to direct the choice of your heart in the right place.
And when you do choose people in your life, you essentially give 4 things:
• Time
• Energy
• Attention and
• Communication.
There are many subtle forms of time, energy, attention, and communication that you can give, but knowing what you want ensures that you don't spend more than a dime of energy on people that are not worth your TEAC, and keeps you focused more on who is.
Love has very much to do with the choices you make, but the fact that love is a choice also makes it a problem. The problem is that if love is a choice, then that means people have to be responsible for who they choose, and responsibility isn't something people aren't always willing to bear.
It's easier to believe that love has nothing to do with you, when in fact, it has everything to do with you.
At one point in time, we all imagined love to be this power that would sweep us and our lover off our feet in an everlasting cascade of bliss, without us choosing our partner for good and personal reasons or having to be the right person for our lover in the first place.
It's this imagination that gives away your power to choose who you want, and leaves you in a state to be dominated. In this state, all somebody would have to do to get your attention, is look and feel like that high-octane, electrifying ride (remember what selfish people/narcissists give when you first meet), until they get what they want from you, and then leave.
It feels like destiny when things go really well without effort, but the truth of the matter is, YOU are the magic that makes it effortless. Not just them. So let's see exactly what it is we have in our power to choose.
Personality and The Will to Bear
An important question to be able to answer is...
What are you willing to bear?
Like it was discussed in Reality Check, you are telling people, "I accept you in my life" if you let them be who they are around you. Watch out for abusive attitudes that are physical or verbal and are not playful, and be careful about accepting the whimsical, uncaring, poking-fun-at-the-expense-of-others or people who like to fight.
If you let someone with a foul kind of personality be who they are around you, what you thought was just a "little foul" will become quite disgusting and hard to miss in a relationship.
People don't usually know their limit with you unless you tell them, but if you keep quiet and let in a little of what you don't like, you're letting in all of it. Let people know your limit.
People tend to be their true selves in small bits even before relationships are formed, so their core being will fully appear once they get comfortable. Where they get comfortable however, will be up to you.
If you've developed a standard based on self-respect, just set your eyes on the kinds of things you want to see in their core. If you want to see patience, kindness, forgiveness, or intellect, or the ability to connect, the joy of life, or any other quality you prefer, foster it by accepting it. And let it grow.
There needs to be balance in a partner, much like your friends are in a way: emotional, passive, and subjective in one way, but intellectual, aggressive, and objective on the other hand.
There also needs to be balance in a partner, where you can tell that they are being themselves even though sometimes in being themselves they make you angry, because these things are natural.
If you look at the friends you have now, you know what you are willing to tolerate with them.
You also know when people push you too far (these are probably the people that are not your friends).
Find out and know what it is you are willing to bear and accept in someone as a friend, and you will be on the path to using your power to finding the right few thousand.
Sex and Intimacy
Believe it or not, there is one thing that instantly makes and breaks relationships at the very same time. That would be sex. The two sides to this are pretty huge.
Males and females both make the mistake of falling for the person that makes them feel sexy, turned on, alive, and misinterpret that as to why they like someone. This is usually a good sign for attraction, but if attraction is based on only this feeling, a hard fall is coming.
Their argument might go something like, "they make me feel", or "I've never felt this way with anyone else" not knowing it is simply because this person is doing something most don't want to or can't do. But it's just one person that is often crossing boundaries by touching, giving them naughty thoughts, mind play, or sex.
By claiming that attraction is in the way "they make me feel", it is basically telling others, "I don't have a choice in who I like", which is a lie.
For the people that place a lot of weight on sex, if they ever let somebody get them to that point where they have sex, you can bet that they immediately cling to that person, heart and soul. If a relationship or marriage is not already happening, this foretells a few problems:
- the relationship that may be had is now based on the fact that sex has been had (never a good reason).
- if for some reason sex is not present after the deed has been done and they are still together, they have to learn to tolerate each other's personalities if they really mean to be together (what should have been learned before sex).
- also, if sex isn't present, the relationship might not be a relationship any longer.
If you get someone through sex, you'll lose them through sex.
And just so you know... The earlier sex or physical intimacy happens between two people, the less likely there will be a functional relationship, even if that relationship does happen.
Conversely, if the relationship starts by getting to know each other and going out and having fun together, the more likely a relationship will have a secure foundation, either as friends, or mates.
The bottom line?
If you're only looking for a good time and nothing more, physical attractiveness and sexual ability can be your only requirements in a person.
If you want a true heart connection, sex should be nowhere near even #50 on your checklist (it should still be ON the list though). Sex, you can get anywhere, and eventually for whatever reason you won't even be able to have sex anymore, but true heart connections? Not that easy to get.
Just before moving on to the next point, I must add:
Regardless of the fact that a true heart connection is harder to have yet heavily desired...
Regardless of the fact that a true heart connection is harder to have yet heavily desired...
People will almost always choose the person that they have sex with for a relationship. There is so much more being spoken that is received between the woman and the man that it far overpowers the choice one has, which means that you either really work to be the kind of person you want to be BEFORE having sex, or follow your sexual instincts and learn as you go (this is a very bumpy route).
When you have that mental and emotional unification, when you have that intimacy where you know the person is so into you and everything about you just like you are into them, the sex –whether someone knows how to do it or not– will always seem magical.
And when you start getting better and learning each other in the bedroom...
The experience? In one short word: Amazing. If you've got a better word, you can replace this it with this one.
As a matter of fact, when it comes to intimacy, there is a tried and true version... The kind that leads to mental and emotional unification.
If you want a deeper level of intimacy, you need to know that it will never be what is physical that fully connects you to someone else.
In other words, you will never find that feeling you're looking for in somebody else, especially if you use sex to achieve it.
True intimacy is when you offer your heart instead of your body, your secrets instead of lies, attention instead of words... True intimacy is what happens when two souls cradle each other's little light like a newborn child.
Find someone that you are truly able to be intimate with in a friend – beyond the simple gesture of trading breaths under sheets – and you will be on the path to finding the right few thousand.
I Want...
It's imperative that you know what it is you want out of life, out of you, and out of relationships. When you know what you want, it makes it easier to say "no" to things that do not serve you and embrace what does. So figure out what you want, and if you can't right now, live a little. Time is a great friend.
The most important thing however, is that rather than sitting still, saying what you want and hoping it comes, if you really want it you have to work towards having it.
... Although, when it comes to having relationships, it's not something you find. You have to attract the potential for a relationship, and the best way to do that...
Is by being and doing it.
If you have a list of things that you would love to see in your partner, it bolsters your chances of finding someone similar if you have those things in you.
Even now, you have friends that think like you do in some way and have hobbies like yours, and that is the reason you connect with them.
Anything you like to do, connects you to others with the same passions, so if you're looking for an adventurous, challenging, trusting relationship, you would have to do things that involve adventure (be adventurous, go out and live), challenges (challenge others and yourself), and trust (be able to trust yourself and be an example of trust to others).
Along the way as you live you'll instantly connect with those with the same adventurous, challenging, trusting heart, so you have to really get into it... Into you.
Find someone that you can connect with while you are living close to your passions, and if you can make friends doing that, you will be on the path to finding the right few thousand.
What's In A Friend
I keep mentioning to find certain items in a friend for a good reason.
Keep in mind that when I use the word "friend", I mean to use it loosely, defined as "anyone you meet is friendly until proven otherwise".
Still, a friend is the ultimate foundation for a relationship. It's where you give yourself the permission to see in another person a lot of their character over a good period of time.
It's where you flush out the ones who want your body only.
It's where you flush out who actually isn't a friend.
It's where you flush out the ones who are abusive.
It's where you flush out the ones who try to look way too good and innocent to get you to trust them.
It's where you flush out the nice vs. kind people.
It's where you flush out the people who don't care about your future, all of this lies in friendship.
If that sexy guy you've been dying to have doesn't care 2 seconds about your life but perks up when it comes to anything sexual including you, it's a hint that this really isn't going to happen past a night or two of rolling in the sheets...
If that drool-worthy girl you've been meaning to talk to puts forward no effort to talking to you as much as you are, and only really perks up when you're offering something or giving without any exchange on her part, it's a subtle but loud signal that this "friendship" is going to last as long as you don't have empty pockets.
Often when it comes to dating and friends, their excuse for not dating you sounds like, "I can't date you because you're my friend and it'll mess up what we have" but that's probably the kindest way to tell someone, "Sorry, I'm not attracted to you, but you are valuable."
This is what happens if you dawdle and refuse to actively express how you feel. You will hear this phrase 99% of the time if you put your value ahead of your feelings. Value can wait.
Your feelings won't.
Here's where we tie it all together.
Let me paint a picture of what The Will To Bear" looks like:
You've got a steady number of friends around you. You've got the gist of their habits, and their personality stems from a similar quality to yours. Some naturally brim with happiness, but they have occasional somber moods. You love it when they're around but when they get sad (and they often do), something itches inside you and sometimes you want to push them down a hole.
But all things considered, you bear it.
Then there are your awesome, outgoing, aggressive friends that never miss a beat on the next hype! It's such an adventure to be with them but goodness... They're too pushy sometimes and they always want to take the lead. With all the arguing back and forth, it gets tiring. You just wish they'd pick something everybody likes already.
But all things considered, you bear it.
You bear it because deep down, you know what they're capable of. You've seen their darkness and their light. In the end, you know the truth.
They're awesome.
Intimacy: What it Looks Like
You usually hand off just a few details of your life to the many people you pass in your day. What you tell people is only ever deep enough to scratch the bottom of an 8 ounce cup. But some friends know you. You've had dark late night convos on the phone about the thoughts in your head and sometimes they're scary. They know your fears and what really makes you happy. You told them some things that you were sure would make them squirm... But they never do. So you share more and more until you realize: they understand that you're just a human being, as if you've been taking yourself too seriously. It's... Freeing, in a sense. It's almost like your soul is in their hands and their hands are an open park.
Being and Doing: What it Looks Like
Sometimes after work or play, you decide to take the scenic route home. Instead of sitting around on free days, you pick yourself up and look to find something you may have never seen. Quite possibly, along one of your random travels you'll be rewarded with a very interesting encounter with someone.
Or perhaps one day you might challenge yourself in a way a friend knows is your blind spot, and that could be what tips the scales of attraction for them.
It might even be that you'll trust someone in a way that they've never seen, and they keep you in mind for a future endeavor that caters to you both. The ripple effect and benefits to you are wide and varied.
The right few thousand, are always available, but it takes you to attract these people. It always begins with YOU.
Be busy living life the way you want to, and being yourself wholeheartedly, all the while keeping away the wrong type for your life.
Know what you're willing to bear, and when to draw that line and say "that's enough". Be sure that the kind of intimacy and connection you have with friends are the kind that transcends the 5 senses. Couple that with the fact that you'll be busy doing what you love while you're attracting the kind of people you want in your life, and after a while...
You'll know where the right one is.
Onward and upwards, friends.
Onward and upwards, friends.
This is the third and last post that wraps up the basis of The Relationship Survivalist Kit. From this point on, the other posts will be covering the nuances and struggles of relationships in different areas, like On Loving You.
**You can find me on Facebook as Isaiah Dunkley (Veaire). I am an artist as well as friendly blogger. Feel free to find me and send messages on your thoughts.
