I: Reality Check

**Note: the words empath/narcissist are labels that may describe you, but know that it does not define you. You define you. You make the choice for your tendencies, although you will find that you exhibit both habits.**

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I have noticed trends all my life. 

Through my experiences as a little kid to the stories that I've heard from others of similar fates, or entirely new ones, I have seen the consistency. I've heard about the pain that friends, family, and strangers have felt and how they had been taken advantage of, blamed for problems, and ravaged by the uncertainty and confusion of someone that is unsure about committing their life to the one that loves them. 

But given some time and repeated incidents, I've realized one true pattern that explains the two people that are usually involved in relationships that naturally go into a more intimate setting... 

There will be one who is tired of the person they are with, with the occasional stepping out on (cheating or moment of disloyalty), who thinks someone is too clingy and doesn't give space, or just became annoying and dull.

Unbeknownst to the feelings of the other, this one can't seem to extinguish that passion for their partner they had from the day they met, and can't help but to talk to the other at least once a day. 

Slowly but surely, through a series of events that occur, the relationship sours to the point where arguments increase, laughter decreases, and there is a yearning for the times that use to be, or a desire for the relationship to finally go to the next level. 

Unfortunately...

Neither will ever happen. Whoever wants the relationship to get better or be more when the other thinks like this, will not have it. 

Too Much Into Themselves

That's because what you have is a selfish person, who can only really consider their opportunities, with no regard to what you need or want.

They won't look selfish at first. When you're with this kind of person at the point of a slowing relationship (friendship or more), it looks more like they're hung up, it looks like they're stuck, like they need help, like the problems are complex, like they're trying to figure out their next step with you, like they're in trouble and don't understand what's going on. 

Of course, you'll believe this. 

You'll believe this because if you can relate to the paragraph above, you are most likely the compassionate person. You're the kind of person that cares for people, willing to help people through their problems. You love to give. You are self-less: you consider other people's opportunities, with no regard to your own needs. You understand that people are different so you give time and space to someone who "says" they want to commit but does not commit to you yet, or who "says" they want to work to building a better relationship but does not seem to work with you on a better relationship...

But consider this:

If you REALLY want something, do you leave it alone? Or do you FIND some way to make it work? 

Yes, you make it work.

Why should it matter that there are problems in the way? 

You see, in reality, there is nothing in the way. If there is nothing in the way, that only means one thing: you are in their way of what he/she wants to do. They do not want you (they will say they do, but only because you fulfill a certain capacity, you are of no real importance). 

Whatever agenda they are seeking to fulfill in their life, does not include you. That means that they are the problem.

They are the problem, because when two people are willing, actions will be taken in place for both people's wishes. Which means, if your partner and yourself both wish to be in each other's lives, you will act like it. It will look like it's going somewhere. If one wishes "yes" and the other wishes "no", it will act out like it. It will look like a standstill. 

You want to know another thing about yourself?

You're probably the kind of person that thinks you need an answer when you have a question. You're always looking for answers, content when you have them. You feel like once the person tells you "yes" or "no" you will be free, but the reality is that they will not tell you the answer because they know the answer is "no", and that you will leave when they say "no".. 

Basically, what I said was...

They know you. 

But you don't know them, not as much as you think you do.

They know you won't leave if you don't receive an answer, so they won't tell you. They know you'll try to understand them and ask questions because people like you always have questions you want to ask. 

At this point, I'm going to use a label (now I'm not too fond of labels as they dehumanize). For the sake of this post, and relevant sources of information I'm going to call the curious, selfless ones "empaths", and I will call the selfish ones "narcissists".

Narcissists know who you are. Since they know who you are, regardless of what intense but short passion they share with you, they will use you against you. They play to the sincere nature of those they know are willing to give selflessly, and because they are always in a state of want, they will always take what you give.

The downside to giving for empaths is that through giving, they feel affection (whether it's an item, time, or attention). They give from their heart, so they feel closer to those that they give to. It's a large investment.

 It should also be noted that empaths have an attuned sense to giving to people in need. People that are always in need are narcissists. So now you can see why nice people always seem to find jerks.

Of course, empaths don't know someone is a narcissist until it's too late because during the beginning, the narcissist is testing them, learning what makes them tick, finding out what they can and cannot get away with. So the poking looks fun and wonderful at first. They have to figure out your use, so they have to test the limits. However, once they figure it out...

Your "privileges" will be limited. 

It will be one day where there is a sudden disconnection and they won't seem as interested, or when it's about the subject of furthering relationships, the hang-ups will begin. You are in a place of usefulness (see: friend aka sex, loneliness, record keeper, time passer) and everything will begin to come to a standstill. Arguments will increase, laughter will decrease, you will be blamed (you'll often hear it's your fault, you're being clingy, you keep doing or did something), they need space, they need a break...

But you must believe in yourself. These things are not your fault. 

Empaths also have an uncanny sense for what's going on. They won't have a word for it, but subconsciously they will feel like their partner has pulled back, not doing what they used to, and in the back of their head it will feel like something is wrong. That's when empaths go on the search for answers. 

They will ask the one they're close to, "what's going on" but this is how it all begins. If you tolerate the slow but steady degradation and reduction of the relationship at this point, it will wear you down until suddenly you find yourself with your chin in the ground. They already don't want to be there. They're just waiting for you to leave. 

So believe that voice in the back of your mind that tells you something is off. Never fall for the blame they place on you that, "you're doing this/that too much/too little and that's why this is happening", because you are simply being you.

They just want you to back off.

Immaturity at best, but that's exactly what narcissists are. They are people who have been hurt, but they have never faced down their pain/experience that occurred at a terribly young age. They apply that pain/experience to every aspect of their life, and teach themselves lessons to "never be hurt by people because people are always out to get you and use you" so they use others first. 

They project the world they envision on to whoever they meet while they hide behind a steel mask of a personality. 

It's almost majestic how they live their lives. 

Having built up their steel walls for so many years, they have a process about how they deal with people. It will feel like they know you. They will be able to tell you better than you can tell yourself. They seem so fun and outgoing, exuding the power of an extrovert all with a zest of life of all kinds of colors and lights, and you'll be at the front row of that high-octane, electrifying ride!

This is why empaths get strung up on what used to be. It starts out so well. The empath will want those moments back, but narcissists can't keep that up.  

Narcissists will seem so strong without showing an ounce of weakness and it makes such an impression that you can't help but lean on them, knowing they will be there... Only, they won't let you see the cracks they have on the other side of that wall, and God help you if you see one. 

Much like trying to convince a narcissist that they are wrong, if you peel back a crack of their shell, you will face resistance unlike any force you have ever known. Remember that they have the imagination that people are out to get them, so getting closer will force them to kill you (not literally but this is how severe your punishment will be).

No, you cannot help these people. You are an item to them. An item cannot help. An item has a purpose. The way you find somebody, if you are who you are and they are who they are, they will stay that way as long as you know them. 

What if you left? Now, if an empath leaves a narcissist after finally being tired, it will seem like they don't care at first. They already have other prospects anyway.

Seriously, they do. But let some time pass...

And you will find them at your doorstep. 

They will have "changed". They will be willing to talk when they never seemed available before. There are varying degrees of a narcissist but the general idea is that they always want to talk and will always have something to say (the worst types must always win). They will never actually prove to you what they speak from their lips. It'll always be enough to satiate you, until you figure out it was just another evasion...

You will wonder why they had to change after you left. The answer is simple: It took you leaving for them to change in the first place. 

The longer you stayed and struggled, the longer the problem would persist. 

You see, when you're dealing with people, by allowing them access to your life, you nonverbally condone their treatment. Whether it is good or bad treatment, if they're in your life, you are saying, "I accept you here." So no matter who you are, if you leave (mentally, physically, emotionally), you are telling the one you left, "you are not accepted here".

If you're currently in this situation now, ask yourself how long will you tell someone, "I accept you here" when them being "here" is hurting or conflicting you? 

What about where the other kind hearted people are that you'd love to be in a relationship with?

Now we're winding down. 

The most surprising thing about not being able to find someone that can fully love you the way you want, has to do with the very same characteristics I've defined for both an empath and a narcissist.

Empaths don't often find empaths because of the way they have affection for others. They are used to giving, but not so good at receiving. They will often decline what comes their way, imagining that they are content without it, "I don't want to you do that to yourself", "don't waste your time", "I'm alright" they'll tell you. So when they offer a gift to another empath, he/she declines, not knowing, that denying a gift, is effectively denying their heart. And empaths do it to each other way too often.

Empaths also put so much into their relationships and pretty much become like the other person they're with. If two empaths are doing this, they'll lose themselves in such a way that eventually blend too well as one. Too much coming together drains the power of the relationship and kills the excitement. Empaths love to know, so two empaths would fulfill each other by always saying too much, too often, and knowing too much. It would all become too stable, stale, and uninteresting. Narcissists simply don't tell all because they don't care to, so it works well.

Just to name a few.

Narcissists don't find narcissists because that would equal two people always trying to take. No one is giving anything, and because there is nothing to take, the relationship instantly dies. Nothing of interest here.

They also don't find each other because neither of them understand compromise. You ever heard one of your past partners say, "you can take it or leave it"? Two people that defiant against each other cause too much hell, and it dies. Even if they found each other, it doesn't last very long. There is too much bumping heads.

Again, just to name a few. 

Finally...

What ultimately works in a relationship are two strong empaths. A strong empath will be empathic with narcissistic tendencies, but with reasonable and proper balance.

At the very least, one has to be stronger than the two. It only takes one. Still considerate of the other one, yet fully understands that they don't have to tell it all, that it's okay to receive as well as give, allows the other person to have meaning in their life, is not impenetrable. The stronger empath has weaknesses and shares that information with only empaths. They also know the weaknesses of the weaker and bolsters the strengths instead. When the stronger empath sees that the weaker has invested an interest, they put a bond on it, and help it to grow. The relationship is beautifully symbiotic.

If both are strong empaths, both uplift when either falls down, both take care of each other when the other gets sick, and know not to say it all. The relationship is a metaphysically dynamic experience. Not only one possesses the role of love.

If you haven't looked through your past yet to see that my words are true, I ask you to take the time to travel back... 

Look at this present moment and your relationships and tell me, that this isn't just...

A Relationship Theory.

Onward and upwards, friends.

Now that you know what goes wrong in relationships (at least in part), I bring you Scissors! <----- click it! Find out how you can keep from being checked by this kind of reality. 

**You can find me on Facebook as Isaiah Dunkley (Veaire). I am an artist as well as friendly blogger. Feel free to find me and send messages on your thoughts.