You're Not That Nice

Here is a side-step in The Relationship Survivalist Kit to delve into a staggering issue that people have talked about for a long time in terms of dating...

Nice People. 

Are nice people as nice as they say they are? Do they deserve that chance to be dated?

Most nice people are single wondering why they aren't chosen, why do the ones they like go for other people like jerks instead of choosing them? 

Meanwhile, the people they like may tell others about the nice person, "they're too nice, cute, boring, not sexy..." Or even, "they're actually not that nice when you date them". Fair opinions from both sides, but before responding to any of this, we're going to have to tackle an issue in the mind that's been creating some unintended bias on nice people.

Going Back to the Root

A clear distinction has to be made between what nice actually is and is not, because in reality, this word has become a label instead of a word with a definition.

Labels help the brain quickly know what to feel, what to think, and what to ASSUME about others (like what we'd assume if we saw a poor looking person on the street and called them a "bum", we'd then have a predisposition about them). 

What is assumed when people call someone "nice" these days is cute, unsexy, submissive, pleasant, and giving, but if you were to find a dictionary version of that word you would find many pleasing definitions: 

• exhibiting courtesy and politeness, 

• excessively fastidious and easily disgusted

• done with delicacy and skill

• socially or conventionally correct.

• having a pleasant or attractive appearance 

One of the sites with a definition for nice even had this usage note about the word: "...The semantic history of nice is quite varied, as the etymology and the obsolete senses attest, and any attempt to insist on only one of its present senses as correct is not in keeping with the facts of actual usage. One criticism is that the word has come, through overuse, to lack precision and intensity."

Basically, if you are persistent on thinking that "nice" means one thing, you're making a mistake, but because people have been doing that anyway, it has come to lack accuracy and strength in its use... It has become cliché. 

This cliché has been used to describe even the people who have a kind and genuinely welcoming character, but this is where it is important to draw the line (from this point I will use the word "nice" as the world knows it, not by true definition).

Unlike the word nice, kind has a more gentle definition:

• of a good or benevolent nature

• indulgent, considerate, or helpful 

• loving, affectionate

• tolerant and forgiving under provocation 

Kind also comes with a bit of a description: "[kind implies] a sympathetic attitude towards others, and a willingness to do good or give pleasure. Kind implies a deep-seated characteristic shown either habitually or on occasion by considerate behavior..."

This word has a gentle tone because kindness is much more of a heart condition (kind-hearted), a choice, a personality trait, and a reflection of just one of many other potential traits a person can have. That means a person can be called kind, and also sarcastic, or kind, and strict. 

On the other hand, If you assume someone was nice (because of how they're acting) and they later do something mean, you'd think/say a very common phrase, "I thought you were nice" as if they aren't a human being with multiple facets. 

Being thought to be nice locks out the possibility of being anything else in other people's minds, and partially, it is the nice person's fault. A nice person is usually withholding themselves because of fears and insecurities, and so miss out on some great opportunities, just to refuse risk.

Nice, Kind, and Dating

So it is in the dating scene. Nice people are typically asking for chances or waiting around for them, instead of making the chance, and being the person that allows them to have what they want.

That's a major problem with this group of nice guys/girls. They aren't being who they really are. That alone messes up so much for their dating life. However, kind people aren't holding back. They know they don't HAVE to be kind, yet it is already in them to be that way. This leaves them available to be other things, like fun, or thoughtful, or able to speak their mind, especially about things they don't like. As a matter of fact...

Have you ever had a nice guy/girl tell you what they don't like? 

That doesn't sound too probable. They wouldn't want to offend you. They wouldn't want to make you disappointed. They don't want you to think that they're too pushy and so believe instead that the correct maneuver is to be a pushover. As a matter of fact, they're more likely to voice that they like everything you do, trying to get on your good side.

The unfortunate secret is... People can feel when others are trying to do that, and sometimes it feels eerie. Kind people aren't going to refuse to tell you what they don't like because they most likely have self-respect to draw the line. Kind people do not need to get on your good side. Who they are naturally enrolls others into their life. Another question:

Have you ever had a nice guy/girl tell you what they want?

They really wouldn't do that, especially if what they want is not what you want, even if what they want is you. In their mind, that endangers their chances of being close to you. So they avoid conflict/confrontation entirely. 

Nice people will instead let you know that it's, "whatever you want to do" where they put the ball in your court at all times with what you both do. You might find that when they're around you, you're always guiding them and they're along for the ride. They just orbit around you. Sooner or later you're going to question why they are here.

You'll know why a kind person is around. 

They are already being themselves enough that you both consented to each other's presence, or you are in harm, and they are taking their time to take care of you, share information, or guide you.

Have you ever known a nice guy/girl to be angry?

Kind people certainly are. Remember that they have other reservations to be more than one part of who they are, so they are most likely angry when they see that you will clearly be hurt in the direction you're headed with your life. They will be incensed that they may not be able to do anything about it either, but nice people? They're almost never upset. They wouldn't want to be angry at the people they want to keep around, so they keep themselves from being angry, even from the ones who are purposely testing their patience.

Nice people seem to have unlimited amounts of "patience", but "patience" can only be patience for so long until it's simply self-disrespect. Are people making fun of them? Are people about to take them somewhere they know they don't want to go? Are they about to surpass a moral line they wouldn't normally cross? Are they about to become someone they're not? And for what? 

Nice people: What can be so much more important than yourself, what you want, and what you like, that you sacrifice your being? Doesn't that make you angry that you might not actually know? Or just afraid to? Last question:

Have you ever known a nice guy/girl to be sexy?

If nice guys/girls were able to at least be sexually attractive, they would be able to pull more of what they want in their direction (albeit the wrong types of people if in this manner), but they eschew sexuality. 

Just like sharing what they want (and being assertive about it), they might run people away, and they don't want people to run away. They will shun sexual humor, attitudes, actions, as if these things shouldn't exist, as if these things aren't normal, as if looking as pure as they try to look attracts people, but it isn't how pure you look that attracts others. It's the reality of your character that works. 

Looking innocent gets you coddled and babied, and society thinks it best that you stay that way, unrealistically you.

Even girls have a certain way to shame people they deem as nice, where they will tell the nice guys, "you shouldn't say/do that" or the famous "that's not nice" while they giggle about that phallus joke the other guy made 7 minutes ago. A kind guy may very well have been the one to make that joke. The kind person isn't limited by any other aspect of their life. All that you know about a kind person is JUST A PART of who they are, not the other way around, so them being perverted does not negate their kindness.

Just Be

In these four questions, nice people "don't want" a lot to happen. In their selfishness to "not want this/that to happen", nothing happens at all, and their actions? Misread.

Dating is not about what you don't want to happen, not about what you don't want to lose, but about everything you want to happen and gain. Kind people are kind enough to allow that process to occur.

As for the nice people however, once they build up enough frustration over things that are not happening, that's when they turn from nice to jerk guys (as do the girls), angry at the world for not giving them what they wanted when they don't even realize...

They were the only ones keeping it from themselves.

Jerks are no better either. The only difference at this point is that they now are not asking for sex. They demand it. Where nice people look to relationships to suggest sex, jerks look to sex to suggest relationships having no intention of fulfilling what they know the other wants. And once they have what they want... They leave and cause more pain in their leaving than the nice people.

In general, nice people are too insecure and too fearful to be an option that people would often date. It does occur, but from dating to a relationship, it's not all that interesting. They offer too much, expecting much back, they resist too much of themselves, and they deny the reality of the person they are for the acceptance of society. They need to trust in who they are and stop being fixated on what they don't want to lose. I don't even have to say that people shouldn't give them a chance.

People already don't want to date them.

People already know that they're not that nice.

So, be kind...

And just be you.

Onward and upwards, friends.

**You can find me on Facebook as Isaiah Dunkley (Veaire). I am a musical artist as well as friendly blogger. Feel free to find me and send messages on your thoughts.